Blake woke up in a great mood. Smiling, affectionate, and playful.
But when it was time to go down for his nap, when he was obviously tired, he threw a fit. Screamed like there was no tomorrow. I started to get a headache from him screaming about 45 minutes into his meltdown. I kept singing to him. I tried to nurse him. I tried to feed him. I laid with him. I changed his diaper while he tried to squirm away from me. I turned on his favorite song. I tried to dance with him. I turned the TV onto his favorite show.
But he was still crying.
What was wrong with my baby? What was wrong with me?! Why couldn't I soothe him?!
Another hour later...
He was still crying. Not screaming as much, but he was crying.
I was on the verge of taking him to the hospital.
I needed help. I started to get frustrated... flustered... upset... exhausted...
And it was only 10 am.
How could I make him feel better? Was he hurting? Was he hungry and too upset to eat? I didn't get it. I couldn't figure it out.
I'm not a follower of the cry-it-out method. Just my own personal choice. I'm here for my baby. I don't want him to go through anguish...
But that morning... I had to let him cry for a few minutes without me. If I didn't, I know I would have exploded. And he didn't need that. Something was wrong and it was my fault for not being able to figure it out. I needed to step away. I put him in his crib and I walked into my bedroom. And cried... balled... broke down. Blake was still screaming...
What was I missing? What wasn't clicking? What was wrong with my little angel?
I felt like the worst mother ever. But... at the same time... I felt like I didn't deserve to be his mother, or a mother at all. I was so short with him before I put him down and that's when I knew I needed to just breathe for a minute.
I walked back into his room and crouched down in front of him in his crib, my expression showing my exhaustion and pain I'm sure. I looked at him through the rails of his crib and asked what was going on... why was this happening? He paused (as if he really understood but couldn't get any words out) and sniffled the saddest sob I've ever heard in my life.
I picked him up and went back to my bed to try laying with him again.
I prayed aloud. I asked for His guidance and help to mold me into a mother that Blake needed. I cried again. My heart felt so heavy...
But after that prayer Blake stopped crying. He sniffled. The sad kind of sniffle... where you can't control it and you have those short bursts of quick breaths. Then fell asleep. Almost two and a half hours after he first started crying... My sweet boy...
How do some moms do it all? Cook, clean, care for seven kids, actually make what's on their Pinterest board, wear skinny jeans, and still have smile plastered on their face? I try but I can't. I try soooo hard. So hard it hurts.
When Blake woke up, it was like nothing happened. He didn't seem like he was in pain. He wasn't crying and was no longer sniffling. I hugged him and embraced us just being together. We played and got ready to go about our day. I just... I don't know if... I just don't know if I'm doing what I need to do. I only want to be the best mother for him. But times like that, I get drained... and honestly quite scared. Am I really a mother to this amazing little boy? How is it possible to love him so much and not be able to comfort him? Ugh...
I guess I'll just be starting over tomorrow, hoping for a better day.
He's asleep (hopefully for the night) now... and I still can't get this morning out of my head. :/
But when it was time to go down for his nap, when he was obviously tired, he threw a fit. Screamed like there was no tomorrow. I started to get a headache from him screaming about 45 minutes into his meltdown. I kept singing to him. I tried to nurse him. I tried to feed him. I laid with him. I changed his diaper while he tried to squirm away from me. I turned on his favorite song. I tried to dance with him. I turned the TV onto his favorite show.
But he was still crying.
What was wrong with my baby? What was wrong with me?! Why couldn't I soothe him?!
Another hour later...
He was still crying. Not screaming as much, but he was crying.
I was on the verge of taking him to the hospital.
I needed help. I started to get frustrated... flustered... upset... exhausted...
And it was only 10 am.
How could I make him feel better? Was he hurting? Was he hungry and too upset to eat? I didn't get it. I couldn't figure it out.
I'm not a follower of the cry-it-out method. Just my own personal choice. I'm here for my baby. I don't want him to go through anguish...
But that morning... I had to let him cry for a few minutes without me. If I didn't, I know I would have exploded. And he didn't need that. Something was wrong and it was my fault for not being able to figure it out. I needed to step away. I put him in his crib and I walked into my bedroom. And cried... balled... broke down. Blake was still screaming...
What was I missing? What wasn't clicking? What was wrong with my little angel?
I felt like the worst mother ever. But... at the same time... I felt like I didn't deserve to be his mother, or a mother at all. I was so short with him before I put him down and that's when I knew I needed to just breathe for a minute.
I walked back into his room and crouched down in front of him in his crib, my expression showing my exhaustion and pain I'm sure. I looked at him through the rails of his crib and asked what was going on... why was this happening? He paused (as if he really understood but couldn't get any words out) and sniffled the saddest sob I've ever heard in my life.
I picked him up and went back to my bed to try laying with him again.
But after that prayer Blake stopped crying. He sniffled. The sad kind of sniffle... where you can't control it and you have those short bursts of quick breaths. Then fell asleep. Almost two and a half hours after he first started crying... My sweet boy...
How do some moms do it all? Cook, clean, care for seven kids, actually make what's on their Pinterest board, wear skinny jeans, and still have smile plastered on their face? I try but I can't. I try soooo hard. So hard it hurts.
When Blake woke up, it was like nothing happened. He didn't seem like he was in pain. He wasn't crying and was no longer sniffling. I hugged him and embraced us just being together. We played and got ready to go about our day. I just... I don't know if... I just don't know if I'm doing what I need to do. I only want to be the best mother for him. But times like that, I get drained... and honestly quite scared. Am I really a mother to this amazing little boy? How is it possible to love him so much and not be able to comfort him? Ugh...
I guess I'll just be starting over tomorrow, hoping for a better day.
He's asleep (hopefully for the night) now... and I still can't get this morning out of my head. :/
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