My cousins from New Jersey/New York and Virginia were in town over the weekend and it felt so wonderful seeing them! Their kids playing with my kid and all the sunshine was just perfect.
My family is very tight. My cousins are truly the sisters I've always wanted. Since Blake was born, I haven't been able to travel up and down I-95 as much as I'd like. Not that I'm complaining but I do sincerely miss my weekend road trips to hang out, celebrate birthdays, and just be in great company.
We all have busy lives and I just don't get to connect with my cousins (or friends) as much. Finally having some time to just chill out with them and watch the kids play was nice but then after the kids sleep, we usually stay up and chit chat around the table, maybe drink some wine, laugh about the trouble we used to get into and how our parents were so funny raising us. But Saturday night... I forgot I'm a single mom and had no one to help me put Blake down to sleep.
I so badly wanted to stay with my cousins but it was already waaaay past Blake's bedtime. He was getting cranky, my arms were getting tired from holding him, and someone had to drive him home. That was me. It was hard to say "good night" so I kind of just quietly packed up Blake's stuff and wished someone would be at home to help me.
Blake was so cranky that he screamed and cried the whole ten minute ride home. I parked the car and rushed to open the door and get him out of the carseat to give him some love. He fought me when it came to changing his diaper and getting him into jammies. But when we finally got into bed, I nursed him and all was well in the world. He finally went to sleep.
But then woke up an hour later, screaming. For about 45 minutes. :-/ His schedule was just so off after a day of fun with my cousins' kids. My heart hurt... I started to break a sweat.
It was past midnight and if I were at my cousin's house, we'd be up laughing and maybe drinking a little vino. And instead, I was home with a screaming baby...
That's when I got a little emotional. Only because I miss my family so much. I miss my friends. I miss going out and being able to grab lunch or a cup of joe without having to find a sitter. And then I started getting upset... because Blake's dad gets nights "off". Every week. He doesn't have to deal with a crying baby... he can go out and live it up and do whatever it is he wants or needs. What about me? I can't help but think this can't be fair. I need an HOUR. Just ONE hour "off".I'm not knocking BD's work as a father. He's awesome with Blake and Blake absolutely loves him. It's clear to see! But... I need room to breathe sometimes. Time to enjoy with my cousins, friends, and by myself. I mean, it's only healthy that I have time "off" once in awhile, right? It's just so hard to come by.
...
And then it dawned on me... My son loves me. He adores me. He is a mama's boy. He is learning sign language, how to stand, how to catch, how to walk, and everything with me. I get to see all of his milestones. I get to make him laugh throughout the day. The feelings of anger sadness slowly washed away. Sometimes I just have to keep reminding myself of that.
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