Withdrawal.

I planned this semester to be all online coursework because my parents were out of town for the month of February. I knew I wouldn't have enough consistent daytime help to care for Blake while I attended classes on campus so I thought online classes would be best.

I started the semester off strong. I was on point. On top of every deadline, every group project, and every extra credit assignment. Then after two weeks of not having any help during the day, I started slacking. By the time Blake was asleep "for the night", I would be so drained.

I know every mom works hard and most moms still manage to get EVERYTHING done, while baking cookies on the side.

But I couldn't do it.

So this is my confession...

I had to force myself to withdraw from my classes this semester.

I know... I know... I could have done it. Right? Probably. But it wouldn't have been a positive outcome. I felt bad for Blake because every time he woke up in the middle of the night to nurse, I'd get frustrated and upset. Thinking, "already?!" or "not again?!" And I'd huff and puff as I walked up the stairs to nurse.

And that shouldn't have been the situation. I should have been happy to nurse my sleepy baby back to sleep. At least he's still breastfeeding, right?

Online classes are a little tougher for me than the classroom setting. I couldn't find the time or drive to sit down and read chapters... twice, so that all of the information could sink in. Every time I opened my textbooks, I wanted to sleep. I would count how many hours of sleep I'd get that night instead of fully focusing on the words on the page.

I'm so disappointed in myself and I know my loved ones are disappointed in me, too. I need to figure this out.