Circus time!

I have never, ever been to a circus. Until recently! It's was Mike's, Blake's, and my first time to the Ringling Brothers Barnum & Bailey circus.

The show came up to Baltimore and we found tickets for close to 50% off. I didn't think of the seating because I figured it'll be fun regardless. There can't be a "bad" seat at the circus. Right?

Well, we arrived at the circus about 10 minutes late because Blake was napping in the car. We got to our section and handed the seating assistant our tickets. We didn't pay for Blake's ticket because kids under 2 are free as long as they sit on your lap.

She leads us down section 105... down... down... further down... Ok... we've basically reached the circus floor now. Yup... there are our seats! Section BB... the venue MADE the row by adding sections AA and BB right next to the circus performers. Crazy good seats! We sat down just as the horses were done performing and Blake exclaimed, "HORSE HORSE!"

He loved the music and watching the performers dance and jump around on trampolines. I'm not quite sure he really understood the tight rope (although he did say, "whoa" and "uh oh"). But every time an animal set came out, he would stand up and clap his hands and just smile from ear to ear. The tigers! The poodles! Oh man, he totally loved the poodles!! And the elephants! I absolutely loved the elephants.

I just hope the animals are properly cared for... I'm not sure how circuses work behind the scenes but it was a great performance nonetheless.

So glad we found discounted tickets! It was awesome!

Updates updates updates!

Yikes... so I know I said I've been busy but I didn't realize how long it's been since I posted.

A semi-quick update on what's been going on?

Blake is no longer a baby. He is a little person. 22 MONTHS! He's a little person that loves to run and talk and sing and dance. Everyday, he asks to go outside. My goodness... he can't get enough of the outdoors. It doesn't matter if it's snowing, raining, or thundering outside... he'll ask to "pay (play) outside"and beg and just wait by the front door until we go out. Hence... the reason I haven't been able to really sit down and blog. He loves to mix the dirt/mud like he's making soup, draw on the street with chalk, "paint" trees with his mud mixture, and follow bugs around. He likes to throw leaves in the air, roll around in them, and walk our dog. He stomps in puddles, rides a tricycle (with my assistance), and pushes his lawn mower around. He waves to all of the cars that pass by and asks them to "come back" when they leave.

He is finally getting the hang of using "please" in the right context and he started saying "thank you."

But an issue... well, not really an issue, but a little hiccup that we're having right now is that he tends to snatch toys from bigger kids and yell "NO" to them. Sometimes he'll smack them. :-/ We're working on learning that the other toys are "busy" and he can't just take them away. Oy... Any tips on handling this?

Also, our pup has been sick. He's 12 years old now and he still has some good ol' energy. He plays well... when he's in the mood to play. I took him to the vet to get a couple mass lumps removed but after a biopsy... we found out that he has cancerous cells. BD and I have been taking it one day at a time with Langston. It's incredibly tough to decide what we need to do for his comfort but I also understand that the longer we wait, the more pain he'll be in. So a lot of our time has been spent hanging out with him and taking him outside with us, too.

Oh, and if you haven't figured it out... BD and I are back together. Lovey dovey hearts all over! We've been working on it but last season (or maybe a little before that), we talked and talked and talked and realized we just needed to be together. As a couple. As a family. As best friends. With him and Blake and Langston... I've never felt so complete. :-)

Children's Museum - Rochester

A few weeks ago, we went up to Rochester, NY to visit BD's family.

We went on a work/school day so BD had to work from home and I usually keep Blake busy during the day. Sitting in front of the TV isn't our ideal kind of day... Blake gets antsy and goes wild and crazy. I figure if he's going to go wild and crazy, he might as well create something with his energy. So we do crafts, visit parks, go on play dates, and visit children's museums.

While we were in Rochester, we visited the one there. And it was AWESOME! We have one close to us in Baltimore, MD but it's NOTHING like the museum up north. Holy moly... there were activities and different rooms around every corner. It felt like the activities and play rooms never ended. Every 10 steps, there was something else to enjoy.

There was a Sesame Street themed part of the museum and Blake absolutely loved seeing the familiar faces of his favorite characters around the place. He event spent time in Elmo's World!

There were fish all over the place! When you walk in, there's a huge saltwater tank, and then more fish displayed as you continue to walk towards the activities. And koi fish in butterfly garden...

Yup... they even had a butterfly garden! It sounds pretty cheesy but it was actually really cool. It was very relaxing... calming for the kids...

Blake loved it! He chased the butterflies and one actually landed on him. He was so excited and wouldn't stop pointing at them. He's such a creature lover.

I'm definitely going to be looking for play places around our area that are more similar to that children's museum.

Feelings.

Prior to Blake, I was a Project Manager. Working full-time and loving the office environment. I worked as a PM in the I.T. field and also in the construction field. Both very opposite but the project management aspect was very similar. Managing projects.

I learned a lot. A lot about the I.T. industry. A lot about construction. A lot about time management. A lot about product delivery and customer service. And a lot about people.

I loved it.

Oh man, I truly loved it. I loved the feeling of having something to do, of being busy, of being needed. I enjoyed spending quality time with my teammates and stopping for a happy hour after work to reward ourselves for getting through another tough day.

I never, ever thought I'd be a stay-at-home-mom. When I used to dream of having children, I thought I'd still be a working mom.

But now I am the mom I never dreamed of being. Once Blake was born, I felt the absolute most rewarding feeling. The labor pains? Hardest work I've ever done. Not sleeping for over a year and being "on call" 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? I accept the challenge! Listening to a toddler throw tantrums all day? My hearing abilities have adapted so I can automatically lower down the volume in my head. No sick days? Fine.

My world has completely flipped and I've been upside down for 20 months now. Taking it one day at a time.

I worked part-time from home last year and I'm also nannying, but it's nothing like what I used to do.

I applied for a Project Management position yesterday...

And I cried. Who does that? I didn't even get a call back to interview but I spoke with the hiring director and sent my resumé in.

I was thinking of why I broke down like that. And after sleeping it off, I think it's because my heart just yearns to be with Blake right now. I love my new "job" too much. My responsibilities and job description have changed tremendously but... that's it... I LOVE IT. I can't imagine him being in a daycare setting for nine hours a day (yet). Maybe when he can communicate a little more?

So why did I apply for a FT out-of-home job? Because I know family and "friends" and just people around us ask what I do all day? They ask what I contribute to the table for my family.

I shouldn't have to explain myself. I work hard. I'm up at 6 am every day, even on weekends, to make sure my family has everything they need for the day. I nanny from home and entertaining and caring for two kids versus one can be a challenge. And they NEVER nap at the same time. :-P

image captured by HeartLove Photography

My passion is to explore this new world with my son and continue to feed our relationship with love. To think about all that he knows and all that he does came from me is just... amazing. I taught him. And I will gladly continue to teach him for as long as I can. He is my reason...

Soccer

Blake started soccer classes yesterday. I signed him up for one clinic which is 6 weeks long with a Certifikid deal. I figured it was a good deal, and for 6 weeks of activity and social interaction with other kids it was a little cheaper than his My Gym classes.

His classes are Saturday mornings. I honestly thought it would be a class with a few little ones running around just kicking the ball and playing. But it was actually really organized and really encouraged the kids to work on their hand-eye coordination and listening skills.

I was so proud of Blake! He hasn't really picked up on the kicking motion yet but he did really well after watching the other kids kick the ball. There were times when he still picked the ball up with his hands, but the instructor was very kind and gentle in teaching him to kick instead.

What made me so proud was that Blake did really well at following directions... and he TRIED! He really tried to kick the ball. He did great at "Stop and Go" and "Fast and Slow." They were both games the instructor did where the kids lined up side by side and as the instructor said "fast" the kids would run fast towards the goal on the other end, "slow" and the kids would walk slowly to the goal, "stop" and of course they would stop.

He had fun and we could see he enjoyed himself!

We can't wait to back this coming Saturday! We'll be practicing our kicking skills until then.

The beginning of THE STORY...

Before Blake...

12 1/2 years ago...

December 2000.

I was working at the mall. My first "real" job that I landed on my own. At Forever 21. ;) Oh yes.

It was December 23rd and almost closing time during holiday hours. The mall finally died down and everyone was probably already wrapping presents for their friends and families or maybe even preparing to travel. But of course, guys don't shop until last minute so...

There was this guy that walked in with some buddies. He had a black peacoat on, perfectly styled hair, and the most handsome face. Almost immediately I remember telling a coworker and good friend of mine that I thought he was cute.

"Wow. He's cute," I said.

"Ewwwww! Stop! I know him. He goes to my school. Don't waste your time," she said.

"What?! I just said he was cute."

And it ended at that.

Or so I thought.

Five minutes later, my friend walked up to me and said, "Hey Erin. Can you help me find a present? I have to do something." Off she went, smiling and giggling, and left him standing there in front of me. The smell of his cologne seduced me. I nearly died from being overwhelmed with his darlingness.

Great. Nervous wreck in action...

The mall closed at 11 and I remember it definitely being past 10 when he walked in. He gave me the most difficult time. "I need to find a present for my sister."

But he didn't know what she wanted. Oh, and by the way, I found out almost a year later that "his sister" was actually a girl he was dating at the time we met. :-/ But I guess that's besides the point because... I won! LOL

We had some small talk, exchanged names, but no contact information. Great... so all of that work, and nothing? NOTHING?! Guess homeboy wasn't interested. I put my finest out on the line, too. :-P

I let it go.

But the next day, I worked and there he was. With more friends. He said they had to shop so he just wanted to hang out with them. Again, still no contact information exchanged. I know I was young, but I swear this is what flirting was supposed to be like. Right?

I talked to my girlfriend and asked her to put a feeler out there since she went to school with him. She talked to his sister and got his phone number for me. But that's creepy, right? I didn't want to be the first one to call. I'm a girl. Girls aren't supposed to make the first call.

The new year rolled around and he would stop by here and there with his friends. But nothing ever happened. Until the weekend of Superbowl Sunday 2001.

Two of his friends shopped at the store. Homeboy wasn't with them. But I recognized them and before they left I asked for a minute of their time.

"Hey guys... do you know Mike?"

"Uh yeah... yeah. We do," one of the them said.

"Can you give him my number, please?" Shit... too straightforward? Too late now!

"Yeah! We'll see him for the Superbowl."

I offered my thanks and felt extremely stupid afterwards. If the guy wanted to talk to me, he would've just asked me for my number, right? Damn. Stupid stupid stupid. I even remember hitting my forehead like I was an idiot.

Still nothing. No call. No text. Nothing from my friend. My friend told me to just call him. His sister said he was interested. But that would be even more idiotic of me. I tried once. The rest was up to him... if he was even interested. So I moved on...

18 Months

Blake reached 18 months... a solid YEAR AND HALF! Time sure does fly right on by since I was blessed with this kid.

18 months.

That's big boy status right there!

We had his check up yesterday and thankfully the only shot he received was his flu shot. (Yeah, I know... I'm a little late but at least we got it done.) He's in the 25th percentile for his weight... he's always been a slender little dude. But he shot back up from the 70th percentile in height all the way to the 95th percentile! Tall and thin. I'm not quite sure where he gets that from but I love it! He's perfect to me and really the percentile charts are just blah to me anyway but it was cool to see where he is compared to other kiddies.

He loves playing at the doctor's office but once the nurse or his doctor come into the room, he clams up and gets really nervous. So sad that he knows when he sees them it means shots. He doesn't cry long but when he does, man, it's heartbreaking. I love his doctor though. She's a doll and so super friendly and very personal. I know she sees a ton of kids but she acts like Blake is the only one in the world. It's just so darling. We're thankful we found her!

'Tis the Season!

And it's my most favoritest time of the year!

I've been showing Blake silly and fun videos of Santa to prevent any fear when he meets him. Singing Santas, jolly Santas, and dancing Santas!

He has been waving to Santa but when it comes to actually getting close to him, he clings onto me for his life. We had his Christmas pictures taken recently and thankfully had an opportunity to be with Santa but not actually making Blake sit on his lap. Oh, it was magical!

courtesy of: www.heartlovephotography.com

Oh, and now Blake can say "Sa-Ta" for Santa! :-)

Our weekends are jam packed this month with tons of holiday events and family gatherings. I love it! I love it! I love it!

Cheers to the holidays!

23 days until Christmas!

And so he says...

Blake has been rambling on and on lately. Most of the time I'm not sure what he's saying but when he's talking to me, he'll usually point to something to help me figure out what the word he's trying to get out.

Sometimes I think, am I the only one that understands my son? Do we have a special language code that no one else can figure out? Because sometimes I meet kiddly winks and they try so hard to communicate with me but I just can't figure out what they're saying. But their mommies get it and they are always able to translate.

But there are distinct words that Blake says and because he says it to other people and I hear them repeat it, I know I can't be the only interpreter for him. lol

So at 17 months, my little man's vocabulary has expanded to the following words...

• mama
• dada
• papa
• nana
• dog
• "ow" - cow
• duck
• "bokbok" - chicken (I'm trying to correct this but for now, it's just too cute.)
• "berr" - bird
• "bayer" - bear
• baby
• "dow" - down
• up
• "fsh" (yes, without the "i" since he slurs it all together) - fish
• "piss" - LOL - He says "piss" ... for PLEASE
• banana
• "pasta-ta" - pasta
• "peets" - pizza
• "mek" - milk
• juice
• cheese
• noodle (sooooo cute when he asks for noodles!!)
• NO (I'm starting to really dislike this one but sometimes it's just too cute, I have to giggle.)
• door
• ball
• "ballball" - basketball
• eyes
• "nozzzz" - nose
• ear
• "mowh" - mouth (and also for mouse - for Mickey Mouse)
• "momo"- nemo (after watching Finding Nemo)
• powder
• sit
• wawa - WaWa the gas station/convenience store

And as for sign language...

• More
• Please
• Milk
• Eat
• Cookie
• Dog
• Together
• Thank you (sometimes he'll sign thank you, but make the "kissing smooch" sound too because some of his aunties and uncles like to blow him kisses)

Sesame Live!

I love discounted tickets to family activities. It gives Blake and me the opportunity to get out and see or do something new.

This past weekend, we had the opportunity to see Sesame Live! Make a New Friend at the Modell Lyric Opera House in Baltimore, MD. Blake's dad was able to join us and we also spent some quality time with my brother, sister-in-law, and my nephew and niece.

Thankfully it wasn't as packed as I thought it would be for a Saturday afternoon. We paid, I think, $12 for Grand Tier seating but we were actually seated in the Orchestra. It was pretty rad!

Blake got a little nervous at first when they turned off the lights and there were flashing lights on the stage. The characters started coming out and it was a bit much for him... but once he saw Elmo... it was a wrap! This little boy was standing on his dad's lap and clapping his hands and pointing to Elmo.

I don't know how Elmo does it. But I love that he makes my son so happy!

Sesame Live! Make a New Friend

Sesame Live! Make a New Friend was a 90 minute show. I had no idea they expected kids to pay attention for that long. And I honestly didn't think Blake would last. After 45 minutes of dancing, clapping, pointing, and smiling with Blake, they turned the lights back on and there was a 15 minutes intermission. We thought the kids would be done by that point but instead Blake just ate his snack and drank some milk.

After intermission, there was still 45 minutes left in the show and Blake was back to dancing and clapping on his own.

It makes my heart jump for joy and kind of makes me want to shed a few tears when I see him so ecstatic over things like that. I just love that he is so enthusiastic about music.

The next show we're going to see is Disney on Ice in November!

His social life is ridic!

Blake has playdates all the time. I love it because he is regularly socializing with his buddies and he gets to play outside of the house. A change of scenery is always nice. Plus, he gets tired out and takes a wonderful afternoon nap, giving me time to myself! ;)

But with all of his playdates comes lots of friends. And with all of his friends, comes lots of birthday parties. LOL! I swear Blake has a birthday party to attend every month. It's so adorable because he absolutely loves it.

This past weekend, we were watching his new buddy (the 2 month old I nanny for, let's call him Sam). Surprisingly, I survived a birthday party watching both boys. Sam was in my ergo carrier and after a bottle, right around the time we arrived at the party, he fell asleep. So with him sleeping on me, I was able to still run around and carry Blake all over the kiddie gym.

It was probably one of the best birthday parties I've seen. The gym coordinators were ON POINT! They had so much enthusiasm and tons of energy to run around with the kids. If Blake were old enough I'm sure he would have had even more fun. But he still had a blast exploring the gym on his own. Climbing, sliding, throwing balls, jumping, and rolling around.

But back to those gym coordinators... I nearly fell in love with both of them. They really acted like they totally love what they do. Their love for kids really shined through and I felt the warmth! I'm thinking of changing kiddie gyms for Blake and because of those two staff members, I'm really thinking about going there.

Mommies NEED to Get Out

I love working from home and studying from home because I get to stay with my little man.

BUT I also love having a night off.

Now that he sleeps through the night, I am able to get so much more done. And on Friday night, I was finally able to get out of the house and drive my car without listening to toddler tunes on the radio.

I pumped up the music, danced by myself at red lights, and sang off tune like nobody's business! It was Mommy's Night Out! I even got to dust off my heels and wear them out! Ohhhhh yeahhhhhhhhhh!

Met up with Stephanie and Jess, two wonderful mommies that I am so lucky to have met. Had dinner and drinks and listened to live music. Girl talk was rushing to get out of our mouths. Oh, but it felt sooooo good. SOOOO INCREDIBLY EFFING GOOD!

Fall Festival

On an off-day with no other kids to watch, I took Blake to play with one of his BFFs, Max, at a Fall Festival around the way. We went on a Wednesday and hoped to avoid the hustle and bustle of the awesome fall festivity goers... and we totally did!

Apparently all of the older kids were in school so toddlers were running wild that day. It was easier to manage Blake and his curiosity since I didn't have to worry about older kids running by him and knocking him down. 

image credit: Stefani Chung Photography

The first thing we did, which in hindsight should have been the last, was play in the sandbox. Blake and Max could have stayed there for hours if we let them!

image credit: Stefani Chung Photography

image credit: Stefani Chung Photography

image credit: Stefani Chung Photography

image credit: Stefani Chung Photography

There was also a cool corn maze, and one made especially for little kids. Rubber ducky races, a netted spider web they could climb all over, a train they could "drive", an obstacle course, and so many other things to tire them out... I mean, keep their creativity trains going!

I was really hoping to take Blake apple picking but the hay rides weren't running that day so I'll be trying to go back again another time.

image credit: Stefani Chung Photography

Two Kids and lots of adventure!

Man, I miss updating over here!

Blake has basically had a constant playmate for the past two weeks. I recently picked up another part time position to care for a baby boy. So I'm now nannying, caring for Blake, working, and studying. Of course my school course load isn't as major as it has been since I started back up but it still takes a lot of time!

Along with all of that, I've also been watching Blake's cousin on my off-days from nannying. ;-)

But it has been a blast! And Blake's face lights up every time his cousin or his new friend walk through the door. It's incredibly adorable. He loves having friends to play with!

Over the weekend, we also went to visit my cousins in NYC and he got to play with their kids and explore the city. Non-stop fun for this little guy.

First time on an NYC subway

Admiring the view from Liberty Island

Peace Fish Down

The semester is in full swing and instead of aiming for a full course load and then withdrawing later, I decided to go part time. So I'm taking two classes this time around. Online classes. I'm two weeks in and already feeling the heat!

And I love it. I love having something for myself. This is MY thing. School is MY thing. Not a play date, not a family event, just me... something for myself.

It's tough juggling my time but I'm still swimming. :)

He's wearing long sleeves and jeans! We're so excited for Fall to be here!

Blake has been super awesome lately. I mean, he's always awesome but you know... just extra awesome.

He is still sleeping through the night. (Yes, I still think of that as a gift every night. LOL!)

He learned how to say a few more words this past week. Please (peace). Fish (psh). Down (down). It came out of nowhere. Just one day, he decided it was time to break out the new words he's been practicing behind my back.

I found out he may have a food sensitivity though. Not 100% sure about it because we didn't get another blood test. He just had one a little after he turned one year so I don't want to take him back just yet. That was rough. His doctor said we can just use process of elimination since he's not having major reactions and it's not an allergy.

He's been having loose stool lately and his little diapers have been piling up with #2s. He just hasn't been able to control that mess. I feel so bad! I change him as soon as I smell the wrath but he ended up getting his first diaper rash through all of it. Poor kid.

So yeah, he's a huge cheese lover and he's been into yogurt for awhile. As of this past week or so, he has been asking for cow's milk more. He used to drink maybe two ounces a day but now he's up to ten ounces. He still drinks water, juice, and my breastmilk but he just tacked on about ten ounces of cow's milk. I've noticed since he upped the volume of dairy, that's when all this mess started.

No dairy for Blake for two weeks. Absolutely, posilutely no dairy. Hoping his gas issues go back down and he can catch a break in those diapers. For now... we're trying out almond milk and soy milk and adding probiotics to his drinks. He isn't complaining. You know, as long as he has his Lollacup.

Help us support a beautiful organization!

Playworks is an incredible non-profit organization that provides support for healthy play as part of a positive learning environment for our kids. According to research and actual statistics, 85 percent of principals report that students are more engaged in school since having Playworks on site. The safe and healthy play Playworks brings to schools helps students succeed in the classroom — and in life.

Active Living Research determined that "regular physical activity promotes important health benefits, reduces risk for obesity and is linked with enhanced academic performance among students. The U.S. Surgeon General recommends that children engage in at least 60 minutes of moderate physical activity most days of the week, yet fewer than half of children ages 6 to 11 meet that recommendation."

As a nanny and a mother, I strongly support an active lifestyle for our children. One of my cousins (and best friends), Nina, was recently accepted in the ING New York City Marathon. Nina is one of the most wonderful special education teachers I know. She works incredibly hard for her classes, and always thinks of how to keep the children engaged while helping them succeed.

She has chosen to run the ING NYC Marathon to raise awareness for the Playworks organization. Nina set up a site to give you more information on why she has chosen to run for this cause. You can also make donations there.

Blake and I ask that you visit her marathon site here: http://www.crowdrise.com/playworksnyc2013/fundraiser/ninauy

Please take just a moment to read why she is running, what she is doing to help raise funds, and find out how you can make a difference!

27+ Hours

As of last Friday, Blake hasn't been begging or asking for mommy's milk-milks. No tantrums while signing for milk! When Blake would use his sign language for "milk," he would usually want to nurse off of me.

I tried introducing him to sippy cups, straw cups, and open cups here and there and none of them worked. He chose to stop using bottles around 6 months and would only nurse off of me. I've since boxed up all of his hardly-used sippy cups, bottles, and straw cups and figured he'd just let me know when he's ready to ready to use them. No sense in taking up space in our kitchen.

image shared from: http://www.leahlive.com/

I recently saw the Lollacup and since it was on sale, I wanted to try it. I thawed out some breastmilk that has been taking up real estate in my freezer. Slightly warmed it up and put it in his Lollacup.

WINNNNNN!

He drank the whole 6 ounces. 

Since then, we've put some juice and water mixes, breastmilk, and breastmilk and milk mixes in the little straw cup. He's taken them all. He doesn't necessarily take it when I ask him to, but if I leave it out for him to see he'll reach up on the table to grab it and just chug it all!

The fact that he's actually using it, and willingly is AWESOME!

We still nurse here and there but nowhere near as often. Over the weekend, he actually went 27+ hours without nursing off of me. (That hurt, seriously... I was engorged.) 

The only semi-issue I have with the Lollacup is that it's not spill-proof. But even with the other leaky and non-spill-proof cups we've tried, this is the only one that is a winner for my little guy. He can tilt it forward, right, left, and back and he can still drink out of it. The straw is weighted so it goes where it needs to in the cup in order to stay under the liquid. So when Blake is walking or dancing, he can still drink!

Some parents would hate to have a cup that isn't spill-proof but me? I personally love it. Blake isn't too messy and we always have a change of clothes anyway. The fact that he is drinking by himself is good enough for me. 

I think it helps that he loves birds and the cup kind of looks like a little bird. ;) So cute!

And since Friday, we now have TWO Lollacups. Thinking of investing in one more so I don't have to keep washing right after he finishes one.

So proud of him.

Music for Mommies

All day long, from the moment Blake wakes up to the time he sleeps I sing him songs or we listen to his toddler tunes while we're around the house. I'm constantly talking to him and talking about what we're doing to (hopefully) help him communicate better as he learns to speak.

Maybe that's why my taste in music has changed? Instead of jamming out to my usual hip hop, dance, or pop music, I found that I'd rather turn the radio onto the "easy listening" station. Instrumentals. No words. Nada. Just soft music of songs my parents used to listen to.

"Nothing's Gonna Change my Love For You."

"Somewhere Out There."

"Taking a Chance on Love."

Who have I become?!

Do any other mommies happen to be going through this? I mean, I love my "old" type of music from my pre-Blake days but at the end of the day, to help me unwind I'd rather listen to music with no words with a soft tempo. I just can't stand a lot of noise anymore.

Lab Work

Blake's pediatrician noticed an abnormality in his blood test from his heel prick when he was just a wee wittle bebe. They sent us to the lab when he was 3 weeks old to get more blood squeezed out of his tiny little heel. But they needed more... so the next week, at just a month old, they had to withdraw blood from his arm. My poor helpless darling boy... I will never forget that. I felt so terrible. After just 4 weeks with me, it was like I was torturing him on that cold, paper covered table with the nurses pinning him down to take his blood.

I cried.

And guess what? That didn't even satisfy his doctors.

They wanted to run more tests but decided that it'll be best to wait until he's about a year old.

So his one year check-up came and went and his pediatrician gave us a lab order to get his blood drawn again. Oy...

I delayed it for a month and a half until I was mentally ready and his dad was able to come with us to the appointment. I knew I wouldn't be able to hold him down by myself.

We got to the lab and Blake was so polite to all of the other patients. He waved hello, smiled, flirted, and shared his toys with the other kids. But when they called his name for us to take him back, his body got stiff. Like he knew what was about to go down!

I sat my little guy in my lap and kissed him on his forehead. I said "I'm sorry, baby, but this is because we want to do everything we can to make sure you're nice and healthy." My heart started racing...

I pulled out our iPad and let him watch some Sesame Street while the phlebotomist prepared the tubes, needle, and all. She put the tourniquet on and found his vein. He was already screaming. Thankfully, she only had to prick him once and the blood started flowing out. He filled up two and a half tubes until the order was fulfilled. My baby was screaming so bad that no sound was coming out. And I was the one holding him down this time. Ugh... Terrible... Terrible, terrible, terrible.

We finished up and stayed for a few minutes so I could nurse him and comfort him. Mommy's milk-milks seem to heal all. But throughout the day he kept holding his arm and would suddenly cry. Hopefully we won't have to go through that again.

And we pray that everything turns out ok with his blood results this time.

Heavy Hearted

This morning was not the best morning.

Blake woke up in a great mood. Smiling, affectionate, and playful.

But when it was time to go down for his nap, when he was obviously tired, he threw a fit. Screamed like there was no tomorrow. I started to get a headache from him screaming about 45 minutes into his meltdown. I kept singing to him. I tried to nurse him. I tried to feed him. I laid with him. I changed his diaper while he tried to squirm away from me. I turned on his favorite song. I tried to dance with him. I turned the TV onto his favorite show.

But he was still crying.

What was wrong with my baby? What was wrong with me?! Why couldn't I soothe him?!

Another hour later...

He was still crying. Not screaming as much, but he was crying.

I was on the verge of taking him to the hospital.

I needed help. I started to get frustrated... flustered... upset... exhausted...

And it was only 10 am.

How could I make him feel better? Was he hurting? Was he hungry and too upset to eat? I didn't get it. I couldn't figure it out.

I'm not a follower of the cry-it-out method. Just my own personal choice. I'm here for my baby. I don't want him to go through anguish...

But that morning... I had to let him cry for a few minutes without me. If I didn't, I know I would have exploded. And he didn't need that. Something was wrong and it was my fault for not being able to figure it out. I needed to step away. I put him in his crib and I walked into my bedroom. And cried... balled... broke down. Blake was still screaming...

What was I missing? What wasn't clicking? What was wrong with my little angel?

I felt like the worst mother ever. But... at the same time... I felt like I didn't deserve to be his mother, or a mother at all. I was so short with him before I put him down and that's when I knew I needed to just breathe for a minute.

I walked back into his room and crouched down in front of him in his crib, my expression showing my exhaustion and pain I'm sure. I looked at him through the rails of his crib and asked what was going on... why was this happening? He paused (as if he really understood but couldn't get any words out) and sniffled the saddest sob I've ever heard in my life.

I picked him up and went back to my bed to try laying with him again.

I prayed aloud. I asked for His guidance and help to mold me into a mother that Blake needed. I cried again. My heart felt so heavy...

But after that prayer Blake stopped crying. He sniffled. The sad kind of sniffle... where you can't control it and you have those short bursts of quick breaths. Then fell asleep. Almost two and a half hours after he first started crying... My sweet boy...

How do some moms do it all? Cook, clean, care for seven kids, actually make what's on their Pinterest board, wear skinny jeans, and still have smile plastered on their face? I try but I can't. I try soooo hard. So hard it hurts.

When Blake woke up, it was like nothing happened. He didn't seem like he was in pain. He wasn't crying and was no longer sniffling. I hugged him and embraced us just being together. We played and got ready to go about our day. I just... I don't know if... I just don't know if I'm doing what I need to do. I only want to be the best mother for him. But times like that, I get drained... and honestly quite scared. Am I really a mother to this amazing little boy? How is it possible to love him so much and not be able to comfort him? Ugh...

I guess I'll just be starting over tomorrow, hoping for a better day.

He's asleep (hopefully for the night) now... and I still can't get this morning out of my head. :/